


i try to picture me without you but i can't

by ghostrider



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: (?), Fluff, M/M, anonymous texting, mature terms used, secret admirer au, zayn is a slut btw, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-02-24
Packaged: 2018-03-14 23:50:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3430121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostrider/pseuds/ghostrider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's just out of boredom that Liam replies to an anonymous text during Physics. What he isn't expecting is to fall for a stranger through a mobile screen, a random anonymous person who makes him feel so important and so special. Unlike his playboy of an ex boyfriend, who was never there for Liam when Liam wanted him to be. Who never trusted Liam enough, even when Liam gave him his all.</p><p>(aka au where liam breaks up with his boyfriend because he's promiscuous and then starts to fall for a 'secret admirer'.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	i try to picture me without you but i can't

**Author's Note:**

> summaries are tough. anyway, i posted this on tumblr ages ago under a different title, and now im posting this here after making corrections and adding stuff. like this is a billion times better than what it was before. so if this sounds familiar, that is why.
> 
> title from: immortals - fall out boy.

If he’s being honest, Liam has never truly believed in true love and all the glorious promises that come with it. He isn't a snob who spits over people’s dreams of finding true love, nor is he a spoilsport who would roll his eyes at somebody going on about ‘ _the one_ ’.No, it’s just that Liam has had his fair share of relationships and they all felt the same. He has been in relationships that were over before he even knew, and he has been in ones that seemed to be everlasting but then like everything else, had blown away like a whiff of smoke, leaving no trace behind but an unpleasant odor of grief and regret.

But when Liam had started to date Zayn, somewhere in his heart he knew he had perhaps found ‘ _the one_ ’ that people talked about all the time. It was in Zayn’s eyes first of all; the kind of promise flickering between those eyelashes, the kind he had never witnessed before. And then it was in the way Zayn always came back. To him. When he could choose not to.

His relationship with Zayn, however complicated it may be, he had always thought of as a 'no big deal'. If he could date an obnoxious dancer for a year and a half, he could date Zayn for more. If he could keep up with some notorious nursery teacher who had unreal jealousy issues for about eleven months, god, Zayn was _definitely_ easier. He hadn't really been in love with either of his exes, but with Zayn, he was totally and undoubtedly in love. And maybe initially, that's why he had thought that it was so easy to love Zayn back, however _different_ Zayn might have been from everyone else.

But now, if you ask him, Liam will cry out in frustration and tear at his hair. When he had made Zayn go out on a date with him, when they had kissed for the first time and when they had slept together in Zayn's unmade bed, Liam had never for once thought it was going to be _this_ difficult to keep up. It’s not like he didn't know what Zayn was, it’s not like he wasn't aware of what Zayn did and in his heart he did know what he was signing up for but now- Liam is just right about to go off. Because Zayn is- and Liam hates to say it or hear it, he hates the fucking word but Liam has heard it through high school, and Zayn hasn't done anything to stop it so- Zayn is a slut.

In elaboration (and also according to Wikipedia) (because liam might have consulted the web when the entire high school was calling zayn _that_ and he wanted to know what it meant) Zayn has loose sexual morals and is sexually promiscuous. For Liam, Zayn has always been something else, something more. But for the world Zayn Malik is this playboy who sleeps around and gives blowjobs in the gym or in bar restrooms, where it is dark and humid. A bad-ass boy who is proud of the money he gets for all that dirty work. He is the kind who smokes weed and walks around the college dressed in black leather and torn jeans only because it adds to the conundrum that people view him as.

And Liam had the guts to ask him out despite everything. Liam doesn't know what had gotten him to walk up to that guy who had just one constant friend - Harry Styles with his intense eyes a mess of curls on his head, nsfw tattoos covering his arms and a piercing somewhere above the left eye brow - and who didn't like to converse or interact with anyone else. Not politely, anyway.

But Liam had done it, and it had not felt like a mistake at that time. It’s so clear in his mind, the way Zayn had searched his face quizzically, while Liam had stuttered in front of him, asking him out, feigning confidence.

“Are you serious?” was the reply, a look of mock amusement on Zayn’s face.

“Does it look like I'm kidding?” Liam had inquired, trying his best to keep up his poise.

“Listen, man. You don't have to act all good and stuff, just tell me what you want and I'll tell you the price. Meet me in the closet on the third floor in three 'kay?” he had turned away from Liam only that some blind force had made Liam grab for his arm, causing him to halt.

“I don't want uh, sex okay? I am serious. I want to take you out on a proper date, alright? I am not playing you.” 

Only Liam can tell how awkward it had been, especially when Zayn had jerked his hand away from him and stared at him straight in the eye, a spiteful whisper of, “Stop kidding yourself. Who the fuck do you think you are?”

“Alright then,” Liam had spat out too because really, he was done with the 'be nice and sweet' act. Being rejected is one thing but being insulted, Liam just couldn't have that, “I will wait for you outside Burger King tonight. 7 pm. Be there if you want. Or not. I really won’t give a shit.”

Then he had turned away and walked off, high on adrenaline, not giving Zayn a chance to react. It had been the most unusual way of asking somebody out and Liam had never done something like that before. But in his defense, the guy he wanted to go out with was of a peculiar type too. 

That night Liam had waited and waited, sitting on a bench in front of Burger King, avoiding questionable stares and all the traffic noise around him. The needles on his wristwatch had passed seven a long time ago, it was almost nine and he was about to give up, go home and forget all about the guy he thought he had a chance with. Except that,

“Hey.”

And Liam had looked up from where he was staring at the hard pavement to find a pair of insanely dark brown eyes staring back at him; emotionless, blank.

“You came?” Liam asked, not being able to believe his luck.

Zayn had just blinked back, shrugging slightly, as if he himself was unsure about it, “Yeah, I guess I kind of did.”

It was a unique, magical night, not the kind you see in movies though. No, they didn't ‘click’ or ‘charm the wits out of each other’ the moment they sat down to eat. They were completely weird and awkward. Half the time Liam didn't know what to say and Zayn kept playing with his fingers, not touching the food on his plate. But it wasn't bad either. No, it was a new kind of nice, a different type of unusual and all kinds of amazing;Zayn sitting across him, his eyes downcast, eyes shying away from Liam's the moment they met his. The way Zayn walked beside him, all unlike his usual self and Liam trying to make conversation and failing badly and Zayn giggling whenever Liam told a stupid joke. All of it, so damn precious; them talking and not talking, the times Liam caught Zayn staring at him and the tiny moments when he noticed that disbelief in Zayn’s eyes. The way it had ended; how Zayn's hand shivered a bit when Liam held it firmly, when they crossed the road. How Liam refused to let go of it when it was time to go, and how Zayn didn't seem to mind. __

“I'll pick you up tomorrow before school, yeah? If you’d like,” Liam had said, reaching the bus stop. __

“How do you know where I live?” Zayn had asked, gripping Liam’s hand just as tightly. __

“I'll find out,” and with that Liam leaned in and kissed him on the lips under that ugly red bus stop sign, not missing the way Zayn froze, his breath hitching for a moment. __

Then Zayn was boarding the bus and Liam was waving goodbye. As the bus drove away, he remembers Zayn turn around thrice to look at him from the back window, as if trying to make sure whatever had happened was real. And Liam’s heart had fluttered in empathy. __

But that was then, and this is now.

 _Now_. 

Is a different time. 

Because as much as he had tried, even after eight successive months of dating (during which they had gotten into the same college and even moved in together) Liam still hasn't been able to rid Zayn of what he does. Perhaps, when he had asked Zayn out he had thought that Zayn would change; that Zayn would commit to him, but Zayn hadn't. Instead he had made it very clear to Liam since the beginning that he could not change. And his reasons were: a drunken father and a step mother who didn't give one fuck about him or his sister. Every day, he was left alone at home with his younger sister, and no food in the fridge. He had told Liam during their first weeks of dating; how he couldn't get a real job because that meant he wouldn't have time to study, and he couldn't let his grades drop either because his grades were what kept him in school. He had to feed his sister himself, and he wasn't even qualified for a job. (and somewhere in the beginning he had also begged Liam to leave him alone because he wouldn't want to be seen around or linked with such _scum_ of a person.) (Liam hadn't listened.) 

And obviously, Liam finds it hard to stop Zayn because Liam had told him he’d support him in whatever he wanted to do. He was a free individual and had the right to do anything he felt like. He had a sister to feed, a sister at home and he had _still_ moved in with Liam without hesitation. What Zayn did was to feed her and himself, and Liam shouldn't judge Zayn on that; people do drastic things to take care of the ones they love - so no he would never _judge_ Zayn - because whatever Zayn might do, he is sure that Zayn is in love with him and that should be enough for him. 

It should be.

But that doesn't mean that it is.

When Liam waits up all night, waiting for Zayn, eyes threatening to drop shut anytime; it’s not enough. When Zayn finally arrives a little after twelve and snuggles up to Liam, smelling heavily of nauseating perfume; it’s not easy. Yet, Liam shuts his eyes stiffly and pulls Zayn closer to himself, trying to be enough for Zayn. He feels guilty because maybe he isn't giving Zayn all he needs; if he had been then maybe Zayn would at least reduce his sexual endeavors with people who are not _him_. But Zayn never does. And it is not enough, and it’s not painless. When Liam asks him why he isn't choosing to stop; they can work together, make something work it just and Zayn to look him in the eyes, ignores all his pleas, his own eyes dark and droopy, almost unfamiliar, and says, “I can't even answer that question. Please, Liam, don’t.” It is _not_ enough. 

But Liam takes it all. Tries to be as patient as possible. Never lets it get to him, constantly tries to control that bubble of anger that’s raging to burst when Zayn doesn't share his secrets with him, doesn't trust him enough. Even when Liam trusts Zayn with his life, soul and his heart.

Eight months to an year, to an year and a half. Liam doesn't say a word. Just remains like he always has; he pulls Zayn close even when his boyfriend is stinking of some girl he met under the bleachers, still waits till three in the morning if he has to, slams the phone down when his mother tells him that Zayn isn't good for him and smashing that round bathroom mirror when Zayn doesn't return some nights becomes more of a habit than an accident. He keeps bearing, keeps suffering in silence and he does it because of the little things that make Zayn his.

Those little things that push away that thought of ‘ _warn him liam’_ or ‘ _break up with_ _him_ ’ or _‘he is no good for you’_ from his mind. Zayn’s habits; those immature insignificant childish little traits like sleeping with the lamp light on because he is sure he heard some movement under the bed. Like having pancakes with maple syrup every Friday because it's some kind of an unspoken tradition. Like nibbling on Liam's earlobe because he likes how Liam giggles. Like collecting action figures and hiding them from Harry. Like his Ben Ten socks and Harry Potter toothbrush and that locket he wears; the one that has a cutout of Liam's yearbook picture in it. (and it’s how he still thinks that Liam doesn't know what's inside that locket, nor does he need to know how Liam had sneaked that locket open once and had almost cried because he seriously wasn't expecting to find himself inside.)

But those things, which mean the world to Liam, seem too little. Too very little, _smaller_ than little now. They keep getting tinier, more and more unimportant _,_ almost fading.Until, Liam just can't take it anymore. __

That hot bubble of lava that burns inside him, that has been slowly taking shape of a rampant monster, thriving in the pool of painful insecurities finally explodes. And he rounds up on Zayn for the first time in eighteen slow months.

It's 2:10 am when Zayn returns to their rented flat that night. Making a dash for bed where he knows he'll find Liam enveloped in his maroon blanket, waiting for him. He isn't wrong; Liam is there. Waiting for him. This time however, it’s different. The atmosphere is giving off warning signals and so is Liam’s stoic figure, perched on the edge of the bed. Hands on either side, clutching the bed sheets furiously. And Zayn can see those knuckles, white and shaky.

“Liam, is everything alright?” he asks, taking off his jacket and throwing it on the couch, as he begins to make his way towards Liam.

“Where were you Zayn?” Liam asks, his voice grim. 

Zayn stops in his tracks, slightly surprised because Liam never inquires about his whereabouts. Because Liam knows better than that; Liam understands. And Zayn feels ashamed of his idiocy when he replies, “I was- out.”

Liam doesn't miss a beat, “Out _where_?”

“Out,” the reply is slow, an unsure whisper. 

“Okay. Whom with?”

That is when Zayn wants to kill himself because he can't say. He doesn't even know who she was. She was rich, he can tell that though; she had paid him in a wad of dollar bills, asking him to put it to good use. And there is this jersey he had seen in a display window that he had his eye on since ages, and he had ran to that shop the moment he got out of the club only to find the shop shut down. Maybe if the shop hadn't closed down, if he had made it in time, he could be giving Liam that jersey now and Liam wouldn't be mad at him.

Then Liam looks up at him, eyes rimmed red, a streak of pain through Zayn’s heart, “Yeah. That is exactly what I was expecting. Absolute fucking silence!”

“Liam..”

“It's okay Zayn, it's okay. I get it now, if I'm not enough for you and you don't feel like telling me things. I really can understand.”

“Liam, you know it’s not that.”

“Then what is it? Please explain it to me, because I want to fucking know!” 

Liam is on his feet in a second, and Zayn feels small all of a sudden. He wants to run away, but he doesn't find himself capable of creating distance between himself and Liam.

“I just- I don't like talking about it. You know that,” Zayn tries; he doesn't really know what to say. There are parts of him even he himself doesn't understand, he had thought maybe Liam did.

“But you like doing it don't you? You like doing every person who you find willing.”

“I have to,” Zayn pleads; he wants Liam to know he can’t stop. He has tried; Harry has literally held interventions for him. Well, one man interventions because besides him Harry was the only one there. But the point is, Zayn can’t stop. What he does is a part of him, it gets him money, it makes him feel like he’s worth something, like he’s capable of something, like he’s not as useless as his dad thinks he is. 

“Why do you have to Zayn?” Liam asks.

He knows if he tells Liam, Liam will call him stupid. Liam will try to tell him how he’s worth something and all that shit Harry’s tried before. He isn't in the mood for that anymore, so he says what he always does, “Please don't ask me that question.” 

Liam can’t really believe that Zayn has the audacity to throw that overused, outdated statement at him. Liam is just so sick of it, _please don’t ask me that question_ , well, why the fuck shouldn't he? He’s earned the right, he’s been patient and loving and he deserves to know! If Zayn admits to being in love with him, if those whispers and promises murmured into his neck are real and meaningful, then why the fuck would Zayn keep something from Liam? Why wouldn't he just _trust_ Liam?

Or maybe he just doesn't trust Liam at all. Or because he feels uncomfortable shedding off all his secrets to Liam, even when Liam has always been an open book to him. It’s etched all over their relationship, or maybe relationship is an overstatement, how Zayn might never trust Liam like the way Liam wants. And Liam doesn't think he can live with that anymore, he loves Zayn so much. He knows it’s going to hurt like hell but he also knows how it’s about time to put a large full stop at the end of this particular paragraph in this complex chapter of his life.

“I've been a fool loving you blindly for so long,” Liam finally spits out, “I've been such a god damn fool.”

Zayn can feel the temperature of the room rising. It's a dreadful kind of heat, and the worst part is; it radiates from Liam.

“Waiting for you, waiting and waiting and waiting,” Liam continues furiously, “Always waiting. Almost every night. Every single night when you are off enjoying with someone else, I stay up. I never complain, not once Zayn. I have loved you for every single minute, every single second and here you are, standing in front of me and I can’t even say you’re all mine.”

Zayn stays quiet. Biting his lips to keep himself from trembling. Because that weird feeling creeping all over his body can mean only one thing; the day he has been dreading for so long has arrived, and he can do nothing but watch. It was about time Liam realized how worthless and undeserving he actually is; hideous on the inside, a polished shiny vessel containing nothing but dirt. That is exactly what Liam never understood about him; even if he stops sucking different dicks, if he stops making out with girls in the broom closets; it won't make a difference. He'll still be the same old useless boy he always was. 

So he stands and listens, without a word. He never was a man of many. He just listens, grasping words that comes out of Liam's mouth; words that sound so real and venomous.

“What have I done wrong? I have been waiting for you to come back home and say ‘I'm all yours Liam, all yours now. Because I love you and all I'll ever need is you.’ Just that Zayn, just that one fucking sentence!”

Liam is close to sobbing now, and Zayn wants to go to him and envelop in his arms but he is afraid. Afraid because he still can’t tell Liam what Liam wants to hear, he can’t just say it and not mean it. He is Liam's but not in the way Liam wants.

“But no. I know you won’t ever say that to me, because that’s not who you are apparently,” Liam is shouting now, “You are Zayn fucking Malik, the guy all the ladies want! Who I thought was true and sincere and worthy of my trust. If I stood up for him and loved him with all I had, then maybe, _maybe_ he'd listen to what I don't say! Maybe one day _I_ 'll be enough for him. _I_ 'll be reason enough for him to stop. But I was so wrong because you- you- (he chokes on his tears)- you aren't ever going to change. You aren't even going to try! You'll always be this scumbag who loves himself more than anyone else! Who won’t stop doing something unless he fucking wants to! Everyone was right about you, all of them! You can never change for anybody, you'll always be a fucking sl-”

Before that last word can slip out in his fieriness, Liam abruptly bites his tongue. Unfortunately, it's too late. Because Zayn's eyes shoot up from where they were stuck on the cold hard floor and he looks at Liam like even he knows it’s all over. He watches as Zayn holds back his tears and his fists clench by his sides.

“What, Liam? What am I?” Zayn asks him in a thick voice, and Liam feels like lowering his gaze and apologizing but he doesn't. 

His head is burning and his blood is boiling and he says it, “You're a slut. A fucking playboy! And you'll always remain that way.”

The word coming out of Liam's mouth hit Zayn like an avalanche, and he knows he has lost Liam forever. Liam doesn't even look like Liam anymore; the soft and warm mass of comfort Zayn’s used to. He looks like an entirely different person and Zayn has made him this way. Zayn hates himself for ever thinking that he was good enough to be a part of Liam’s life. He was stupid. And that thought is incentive enough for him to turn around and grab his jacket.

“I am really sorry,” are the last words that echo in the room. 

The last words Zayn hears before he leaves the bedroom that was once his and Liam's to share. The last words Liam hears before he collapses on himself.

—-

It’s in the early morning, somewhere around four. It's Harry who is enveloped around him right now. Harry's neck is damp and smells of tears and sweat, which Zayn knows he is responsible for. 

He hadn't gone home that night; he didn't want to cry in front of his sister. Also, he doubted his step mother would let him in. Harry's house is has always been Zayn's abode whenever he has been thrown out of his house by his drunken father or whenever his father's wife has locked him out, intentionally. Harry’s house has always been his escape and Harry, his third and last reason to live.

And now in his best friend’s arms he thinks; of all that Liam said and all that Liam would never understand. How everything that has happened is for Liam's own good. Because Liam; that boy is too good for Zayn.

The same old Zayn who is never going to change. Whose father didn't give one shit about him, the same  teenager who was beaten and kicked out, ruthlessly asked to make his own money. Who was mercilessly bruised and hideous beneath that soft smooth, tanned layer of skin. Had scars that could never be filled by anyone except the person whom he didn't deserve. The person who was beautiful; inside and out. His eyes; chocolate and honey. Lips; soft strawberry. Kisses; as comforting as a warm bath. The person who is Liam and will always be him no matter what. 

Zayn knew he would break, he had seen it coming. Now he can be happy and void of all pain. He can have someone more beautiful, more complimenting, someone who deserves him. For whom he won't have to wait all night, who wouldn't randomly hook up for money and who wouldn't be as broken or lost as Zayn. Someone who’d give Liam what he truly deserves; everything good in this world.

And maybe Zayn could be that guy. He could, he had tried.  But he couldn't be. As screwed up as it sounds, he just couldn't be him. He hates that about himself; one thing Liam had expected of him and he’d let him down. He knows he’ll never be able to forgive himself, he knows this is just the beginning of the massive wave of misery that is about to crash in on him. So he squeezes his eyes shut again, clasps his hand around that locket around his neck and shifts closer to Harry, trying to sink in his friendly warmth. 

—-

It's painfully awkward. 

During the first few weeks after his break up, it's so damn painful for him to walk around college when Zayn sits right there on that table with Harry and doesn't look or smile at him once. 

It’s torture; whenever he sees Zayn and those words come back to him. It’s when he's sitting right in the front seat feeling Zayn staring at him from that back seat at the far right corner. But when he abruptly turns around, Zayn isn't looking at him at all, and he wishes for him to look at his way just once. But Zayn keeps his attention on his notepad, scribbling on it furiously. The avoiding, the not stealing of glances, the not waiting for each other in front of lockers, it all hurts too much. Too much that in the mornings, Liam considers falling back on his bed and calling in sick. 

But if he does that, his friends are going to drag him to college anyway, so he gives up that idea as soon as it occurs. 

It continues for weeks; Zayn being like he always has been. Quiet, broody, silent, cut off from all (except Harry). On the other hand, Liam being all sad and miserable, even when his best friend, Louis tries to cheer him up with his antics. (a small part of him keeps waiting for zayn to come hug him hard and tell him he's back and all entirely his.) (a bigger part of him wants to crawl back to zayn himself and apologize but that part just isn't strong enough.) 

—-

He's in Physics when his cell phone vibrates against his thigh. Now, normally, Liam wouldn't even take his cell out of his pocket during a class but today he's already not paying attention to whatever his bald, old professor is saying. 

Why? Well, firstly, both his best friends are absent; Louis had to go visit his grandmother in Doncaster and Niall had some grand wedding to attend. Secondly, Zayn isn't present either, and he’s worried sick. Zayn never missed college, he couldn't afford to, so he must be not well and the thought alone grips Liam with fear, because Zayn might need him and he can’t do anything to help.

Distracted and anxious, quickly pulls out his phone out his pocket (making sure that his teacher is facing the other way) and keys the pass code in, holding it under the desk and expecting to see Louis’ name pop up on the screen. 

He is more than surprised to see that it isn't Louis who has texted him, nor is it Niall. Instead, an unknown number glimmers on the screen, a short message below it:

**hey :)**

Normally Liam would click his phone shut after deleting that message and place his phone back in his pocket without replying or giving it much thought. But there is no Louis to disturb him during the lecture and he needs something to keep his mind off Zayn, so he decides to reply.

_hi._

Before he can place his phone back in his pocket, it buzzes in his hand with another message:

**how are you?**

Liam replies again, it’s a harmless question anyway. 

_fine. wbu?_

He waits for the reply this time, manages to draw a little smiley on the corner of his page before his cell vibrates again, 

**im fine, thank you.**

Followed by another message:

**btw, you look good in plaid.**

This time, Liam is utterly astonished. He stares at the phone screen for a good thirty seconds before jerking his head back up and looking around, searching for anybody in the room with a phone under their desk. Because the thing is, he is wearing plaid today and this anonymous person who is texting him must be somewhere in the vicinity. Only that every student in the class is scribbling notes and the back benchers who are not are too engrossed in checking out girls and passing chits among each other to bother to pull a park anyway. And that too, on Louis Tomlinson’s best friend. Nah, Liam knows they wouldn't dare.

Returning back to the conversation with this mystery person, he types in another reply:

_how do u know wat im wearing?_

He waits. 5 seconds. 10 seconds. 

**i just know.**

_how?_

**i can't tell you that.**

_okay. fine. goodbye then._  


Annoyed, Liam hastily shuts down his phone, pushing it back into his pocket. Really, who cares if some random person thinks that he looks good in plaid? And who cares if this random person knows that he is wearing plaid? And who the hell cares if Liam spends the last 31 minutes of his class in anticipation for the phone to vibrate again.

(it doesn't.)

—-

It doesn't until about eleven in the night. 

After he hangs up on Louis, who had called to catch up on stuff which had lasted a good 40 minutes, and had included Louis pining over Harry Styles and lecturing Liam on how he needs to be more supportive of his feelings for Harry; _‘Stay out of my love life, Payno!’_ and ‘ _You're just against my eternal love for Harry because you think he’s like Zayn, but I can feel it in my heart how Harry is not at all like him.’_ and _‘Who cares if he’s got a naked mermaid tattooed on his arm, you’re more than what your tattoos are! I think so anyway.’,_ Liam notices that little red mark over the messages icon informing him that he has received three text messages. He opens the folder and they're all from that same unknown number: 

**i am sorry if i was rude.**  
  
 **i am really sorry. :(**  
  
 **okay. i saw you in the library today. happy?**

Grinning broadly, in victory, Liam types back:

_who r u?_

**your secret admirer ;)**

Typical, Liam thinks as he leans back into his pillows and types:

_and ur name is?_

The reply is immediate: __

**“secret” admirer :p**

_look, i kno that a secret admirer is supposed 2 remain anonymous but wats the point of torturing me?_

**why is it torture?**

_not knoing who im texting, coupled with them supposdly liking me, it makes a person curious **  
**_

**what would you do if you knew who i am? __**

Liam thinks for a second and decides he doesn’t really have a reply to that. 

_nuthing. it wud just make talkng 2 u more comfortable  
_ ****

**you don't want to know who i am.**

**and now that i've told you how i secretly like you, i don't think telling you who i am would make things easier.**

Liam’s mind goes into overdrive, for a couple of moments he thinks it’s Zayn texting him. But then he shakes off that idea, because the way he had hurt Zayn, the way he had ended things with Zayn, he doesn't really think Zayn would ever come back to him. Zayn probably hates him. This can’t be Zayn, he knows that. He is sure. But then who else could this person be; a prank? Or does someone really like him? How does he feel about that? He doesn't really know.

**did i upset you again?**

The message alerts him, ridding him of the impractical possibilities taking birth in his mind. 

_no not really_

**that's a relief :P** _  
_

_so u go 2 my college?_

**uhh yes.**  


_that means u liv in this town?_  


**not necessarily.**  


_huh?_

**i kind of do, i kind of don't.**  


_wat classes do u take?_  


**you rather as well ask me who i am.**  


_i tried that. ddn't work, remember?_

**then, stop trying liam.**

_but i need to kno ur name at least. u kno mine, its only fair._

**life isn't fair.**

_why r u wasting my tym?_

**you can choose not to reply.**

_wil u leave me alone if i dont reply?_

**probably not.**

_wat is the point of all this? wat do you want?_

When he doesn't receive a reply for five whole minutes (and no he wasn't counting the minutes, the clock just happens to be hanging right on the wall in front of him, complete coincidence), he thinks his “secret admirer” has fallen asleep or given up.  

But he is wrong. After those five whole minutes, his phone buzzes twice, almost at once. 

**i want you to know that you're the most beautiful person i've ever set my eyes on. that you stand out of a crowd because there isn't a person who can even reach up to your level of kindness and innocence. that i like you a lot; your eyes and smile and that nose which suits you like it would suit none other. that you might think all of this is rubbish but it's true. it's just half of what's in my heart. and i want you to know any person who hurts you, is inhumane and dumb. youre beautiful liam. and every little thing about you is as beautiful as you are.**

**goodnight liam, sleep well.** **  
**

Liam doesn't sleep well that night. He just keeps reading and rereading and rereading that long second last message, his heart fluttering in a way it had almost forgotten to. 

—-

The next time his phone vibrates with a message, Liam is sitting in the college grounds, his back against a tree and his math book propped open in his lap. Louis still hasn't returned from Doncaster and Niall is at football practice, so he's alone.

**good morning.**

_good morning_

**how are you today?**

_fine, u?_

**embarrassed.**

_y_

**because of whatever i said last night, i hope i did not creep u out.**

_it's ok. i was flattered, btw **  
**_

**no need to be. it was all facts.**

_u still won't tel me hu u r?_

**why don't you let that go and make this easier for both of us?**

_curiosity_

**curiosity kills the cat. u better avoid it.**

_did u just call me a cat?_

**i wouldn't dare.**

**you're cuter than that. ur more of a puppy.**

_ill take that as a complimnt_

**it was meant to be one.**

_wat animal wud u refer 2 urself as then?_

**a snake or a lion.**

_so u r fierce nd dangerous?_

**not really.**

_u dnt deny it tho?_

**yes. because i don't know what i am _._**

_wats that supposd 2 mean?_

**forget it.**

**i am here to talk about you not me.**

_but thats unfair. i deserve 2 kno sumthing bout u seeing that u already kno so much about me :( :(_

**stop being cute.**

_i wasn't being cute_

**u are always cute.**

_plz tel me somethng about urself? :(_

**what do you want to know? except my identity of course.**  

_start wid ur gender?_

**oh sorry, i am male. i thought you'd already know that.**

_how ws i supposd 2 already kno that? u ddnt actually drop any hints_

**i thought you might have guessed. the entire school knows you're homosexual.**

_i doubt that ..._

**come on. everyone knew about you and zayn malik.**

Liam's heart hurts a bit at that. He should have kept himself and Zayn a little less public. Or maybe he shouldn't have told anyone about it at all. Maybe then he wouldn't have heard all those things being said about his love life.

**sorry. i didn't mean to say that, please dont be upset.**

_it's okay. im rly not_

**next question? :)**

_um.. age?_

**19\. ur boring.**

_okay.. gryffindor or hufflepuff?_

**slytherin.**

Liam smiles to himself, Louis would _so_ approve of this guy.

_batman or superman?_

**batman. :)**

_good. nsync or bsb?_

While Liam waits for the reply, he has the misfortune of seeing Zayn and Harry enter the college grounds. Zayn has a cigarette dangling from his mouth and his bag on his back, as he follows Harry to a bench and settles down there. Zayn doesn't even glance at Liam, and Liam might be used to that but it sends a pang of pain through his chest anyway. His mobile buzzing violently is what causes him to stop staring at the back of Zayn’s head.

**do u still love him?**

Liam stares at the screen for a few good seconds, confused as hell, before asking:

_love who?_

**the boy you are staring at.**

_how do u kno that?_

And Liam feels real uneasy, as he looks around, quickly scanning the grounds for some creepy hooded figure with a mobile in his hands, playing a foolish prank on him or even worse, stalking him.

**i think we go to the same college? we’ve been over this.**

_yeah but where r u how can u c me_

**don’t be scared. i wouldn’t harm u.**

**stop looking around, u wont find me.**

_now, this is creepy_

**i promise i wont harm u. u have nothing to worry about, liam.**

_but i want to know who u r_

**i will tell u, just not now.**

_promise me_

**i promise.**

_ok._

**so do u still love him?**

_i hav class, ill ttyl_

No. He doesn't have class. He just doesn't have an answer to that. He’s not ready to talk about Zayn, not with a stranger anyway.  He just wants to run someplace else now. His back is stiff from leaning against the hard trunk and his math book is still on his lap; untouched. And the fact that Zayn’s right in front of him is not really helping.

—- __

The next few days, weeks, pass like that. Liam engrossed in his cell phone like never before as he gets to learn more and more about the mystery guy, whom he has unintentionally started calling _‘Robin’_ at the back of his mind.

Their conversations range from:

_cmon tell me should i watch iron man 3 first or captain america?_

**iron man 3. i have it too we could watch it together.**

_ok but then ull hav 2 deal with my txting in btwn_

**do you hear me complaining?**

To playful banter before falling asleep:

_how do u know so much abt me?_

**i have done my research.**

_ur weird_

**ur beautiful.**

_u need 2 stop saying that_

**but why?**

_idk bcz im not_

**i think you are.**

_ur silly_

**yeah but you’re still beautiful.**

_stop itttt :)_

**what if i don’t?**

_i will stop replying_

**you’re boring. :(**

_no i am also lots of fun :(_

**ha ha no.**

_:(_

**no.**

_:'(_

**okay you ARE lots of fun.**

_i kno ;)_

To lazy nothings on a Sunday afternoon;

_when u hav to go upstairs and back down again bcz u forgot wat u came for ugh_

**u went to get the rolller skates niall asked you for.**

_yessss oh my god how did u know that :o_

**you told me... before going...**  


_oh.. wat wud i do without u :)_

**what would i do without you.**

_ur not allowd 2 say stuff like that_

**you said it first.**

_ugghhh_

Liam doesn't know when he got comfortable with the idea of having an anonymous admirer who knew him like the back of his hand, but somewhere between trying to get over Zayn and his best friends finding about ‘ _Robin’_ Liam had accepted that he might like his secret admirer back. Not as much, but maybe a little bit.  


Louis and Niall had even started to call him 'Liam's Mr. Right' now, because being them, they just had to interfere in Liam’s life. But then, Liam couldn't ask for better best friends because instead of giving him a talk about how this ‘secret admirer’ thing was inappropriate and creepy, Niall had had offered to find out if Liam’s secret admirer was their Physics professor, ‘That guy just gives off that vibe y’know, Payno?’ And Louis, had grabbed his cell phone and decided to talk to the guy himself, ‘He needs to pass ‘The Tommo Test’ before he tries to get into my best friend's pants.’

_hey secret admirer dude_

**liam?**

_no liam's best friend_

**which one?**

_the sexy one._

**louis.**

_wow. u do hav a lot of accurate info. i am impressed._

**thank you. except that you're not the one i am trying to impress.**

_a key to a friend's heart is the heart of his best friend. you shud remember that, it'll help in later life._

**you're funny.** __

_ive been told. u seem good too. if liam rejects ur marriage proposal, im single_. __

**i think i’ll pass. u r too sexy for me.**

_i hereby give liam’s hand in marriage 2 u. worry no further._

**lol thank you i guess.**

_btw, private question, are you in any way acquainted with harry styles?_

**the curly haired guy?**

_the curly haired drop dead gorgeous one ;)_

**yeah kind of.**

_tell him louis tomlinson is in love with him._

**uhh okay. sure.**

_also as a reward for being such a good sport, liam has named u robin, after batman and robin. thank me later if liam doesn’t kill me! :D_

And yes, Liam had smacked Louis on the head when he read the conversation, jumping in to apologize for Louis' antics,

_im sorry for louis_

**theres no need. louis is good for you.**

_i higgghhlyyy doubt that_

**so you call me robin huh?**

_yeah from batman and robin.. i kno its funny dont laff_

**but why not batman?**

_bcz no offense, but im batman_

**haha you kind of are.**

And Liam had smiled to himself in response, hiding his face and grin from Louis and Niall. His ‘Robin’ guy always did or said something to make him smile, his face muscles weren’t even in his control anymore. 

The thing is that Liam has grown accustomed to him. Not a day passes when the anonymous text messages don’t make him smile, not a day passes when he doesn’t wake up to a ‘ **good morning’**. Its how this guy seems to know the right things to say and how he shares stuff about himself with Liam as well; how he is a dog person and he'd like to get a puppy with his future boyfriend and how he likes getting tattooed and already has a lot of them. (and maybe certain things about him remind liam of someone else but liam quickly pushes those thoughts out of his mind because zayn never shared anything with liam. with zayn, liam had to find out about stuff on his own.) (and liam hates zayn, there’s no comparing zayn with this robin guy at all and yet there is something keeping liam from going further.)

Whenever ‘Robin’ tries to flirt, or even compliments Liam, Liam tries to avert his attention from it or stops texting making a stupid excuse. Liam can do all these things; he can flirt, he can play that game and yet he doesn’t. And he doesn’t know why. The guy is visibly head over heels for him. According to Niall he is so much better than Zayn. According to Louis he is a definite keeper. 

Or maybe Liam knows. He never admits it but he knows. Knows why he isn't saying yes. Because he's afraid. And hopeful. Scared of being let down and scared of being hurt again. And he might try to deny it endless times, but there’s a part of him who wants ‘Robin’ to be Zayn. It’s the most unlikely thing to happen, but Liam cannot remove that flicker of hope inside him. Whatever he does, he can’t blow it out.

So he’s afraid and because of a thousand different things. The only thing he’s sure of is that it’s not a prank. A prank doesn’t feel this genuine, a prank doesn’t last for three months and a prank sure as hell doesn’t end like this: 

**i think i am ready to tell you who i am.**

Liam has to rub his eyes in surprise, because ‘what?’ For a moment, he can't even believe the text he has just received, Robin cannot be serious! Is he seriously finally going to find out who is ‘secret admirer’ is? Is he even ready? Yes, he does want to know who he is but he also doesn’t… He is going mad.

_u r serious?_

**a hundred percent.**

_ok go on then…_

**no, not like this. i want to meet you.**

_R U SERRIOUS?_

**absolutely.**

_where? when_

**tomorrow. at 8 pm. place that means to you the most.**

Liam looks at the screen, confused. A right mystery is what ‘Robin’ is. So he asks:

_hw wud u knw wat place means the most 2 me?_

**i have done my research, remember?**

_u can find abt everythng but that ****_

**you underestimate me.**

_im sure u dnt knw about that place_

**i do. just wait for me there.**

_wat if u cnt find it?_

**i will. i promise.**

_ok then best of luck_

**youll be there?**

_ill be_

—-

Standing by that ugly bus stop sign, Liam waits. He waits and waits and soon it is well above eight pm. He keeps glancing at his wristwatch again and again, watching the short needle slowly approach nine.

Liam shouldn't have come anyway. It was so obvious that the mystery guy could even like guess that this was the one area that meant the most to him. Nobody even knows. Not even Zayn, fuck. There is no way in hell ‘Robin’ could guess, he was just kidding himself. Maybe this all was a bad joke after all. 

He keeps staring fixedly at the cold hard ground as the time slowly ticks away and keeps hugging himself because it’s kind of chilly and he should have worn a jacket over his Henley.  He should have listened to Louis or he should at least have Louis come with him because now he’s seriously worried.

“Hey.” 

Liam looks up to find a pair of insanely dark brown eyes looking at him, the gaze warming him up from head to toe in a second. Whatever is left of Liam's breath gets stuck in his throat as his mouth drops open in bewilderment.

Zayn looks exactly like he did when Liam last saw him up close, just a bit _softer than before_. His black leather jacket compliments his shoulders the same way it did before, his jeans hanging low from his waist effortlessly, as torn at the knees as they always were. His face sporting that same timid smile, as if he is still unsure of what he's doing. As if he is afraid and uncertain of saying or doing anything.

 “What are you doing here?” Liam asks him, because Liam doesn't want to believe what his brain is trying to tell him.

“I promised you I'd come. Didn't I?” Zayn smiles at him, a childish touch to the curve of his lip.

And Liam believes because- nothing else makes sense. _Zayn_ makes sense. He doesn't know whether to laugh or cry or just die right there on the spot. His stupid, vague guesses had been correct; it had been Zayn all along, it had been Zayn.

Obviously, it had to be Zayn who had a chance of ever guessing this one place. This was where he’d kissed Zayn first; this was where his life with Zayn had started. 

“It was you all along?” Liam asks, finding his voice.

“Uh, yeah,” Zayn says, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Why? Why couldn't you just talk to me after- you know?” Liam asks a little louder, really if he had talked to Liam this reunion could have been happening weeks ago. If he had talked to Liam, there was so much time Liam could have spent hurting with him instead of hurting alone.

“I'll tell you, let's go some place private, yeah?” Zayn says.

“Yeah, okay,” Liam agrees, because the traffic noise is making it harder to hear anyway and Liam wants to talk. Seriously and privately, he needs answers and he needs explanations. 

They don’t talk when they start walking; a familiar silence hangs in the spaces between them. Liam leads him to the park where he goes for his morning jog every day. They just walk amidst people who have come for a night stroll for a few minutes, not saying a word. Liam guides them to a quiet, dark place just a few trees in the vicinity. He knows this trail by memory anyway, so he knows they won’t be disturbed, people don’t usually come this far.

“Now tell me. Why?” Liam says, rounding up on Zayn the moment they stop walking.

Zayn stays quiet for some time, staring at the wet ground, collecting all his words before he finally speaks, starting from the beginning because he knows Liam needs to know everything. Liam always needs to know everything.

“After we had that fight, and I left, I went to Harry's. Stayed there for a few. It took me time to realize that I was giving up the most beautiful and precious thing in my life, and for nothing. I am sorry Liam, for all the pain I caused you. And trust me, I wanted to come crawling back to you right then but- but you had said stuff to me, which I couldn't shake off my head. The worst part was, it was all true. All of it.”

He pauses for a second, and then finally looks up at Liam. His eyes are glistening; Liam can see his face in the moonlight. Liam tries not to feel anything because then he might just cry. 

“So,” Zayn continues, “I decided to at least give it a shot. Try to change. I had tried before, but I had given up too easily because I had nothing to gain from it. This time I had incentive, I wanted you back. So I tried my best Li, tried to become someone worthy of walking beside you. Someone who could give you all that you've given me. You moved in with me even when I didn't deserve that, you trusted me even when everyone told you not to. You have done so much for me Liam, I can’t just give you up like that.”

Liam smiles at him at that, watching the tears trailing down his cheeks. As much as he wants to, he doesn't reach out to wipe them off Zayn's face; he is not ready to touch him. He doesn't want Zayn to disappear like a whiff of smoke; he wants this dream to last.

“So I took a job at the public library. And I tried to leave what I used to -uh -do. I wanted to let go off it completely, but it required time. Harry said he’d help me, so he kept check on me. He didn't let me sleep around too much, I started lessening that. Once a week, once a month and now, not at all.”

Liam wouldn't have believed Zayn for a second, if Zayn’s eyes had ever lied to him before.

“But while I was- correcting my life, I was afraid. It was going to take time I knew that, and I was afraid that you might find someone else. Someone better than me, that wouldn't have been hard to do either. I was scared that you were going to forget all about me, and then it was going to be too late. So- and I know it was an idiotic move, but I decided to be your secret admirer and keep you hanging until I was ready. You can hit me if you want to for doing this, you can scold me too but don’t ask me to leave you again.”

He even waits for Liam to hit him or something but Liam just stares back at him, probably too overwhelmed to respond so he continues talking,

“I am better now Liam, I got over how I used to live. I mean I'll never be able to be as good or wonderful as you are, but I can try. Now I earn a nice amount and now you don't have to do so much work and pay our rent. I'll do it with you. I am ready to come back to you, if you’re willing to take me back.”

Liam wants to smack him across the face for so many reasons but Liam can’t bring himself to move. He knew Zayn loved him when they were together, he just didn't know that it was _this_ much _._ It breaks his heart, but it’s the kind of heartbreak that doesn't hurt. Instead, it fills him with affection for the helpless looking guy in front of him.

Liam stays silent for a long time, trying to _word_ but Zayn probably takes it in the wrong way, because in a moment he’s down on both his knees in front of Liam, his head hung low, “Liam please. I'm sorry, I know I don’t deserve this but I want to go home with you.”

Not knowing what Zayn’s fault is, not understanding why Zayn is on his knees when it should be the other way round, when it should be Liam apologizing for giving up on them (on zayn), Liam lowers himself down on his knees too. Drops down on his knees until his face is on level with Zayn's. Zayn’s shoulders shake either because he’s cold or because he’s controlling his sobs, he doesn't know. Liam hears Zayn's breath stop short for a moment when he places his trembling hands on Zayn's shoulders. Zayn looks up at him again and the moment Liam’s eyes meet his glossy ones, Liam can’t help but pull the slender boy to himself. 

Zayn's head collides with Liam's chest, his hands clutching at Liam’s shirt helplessly because he can’t believe Liam is touching him again. Liam is kissing the top of his head and Zayn just cries a bit more because everything he had done for Liam had paid off.

“Why are you sorry, Zayn?” Liam says above him, and Zayn swallows, ready to take in all of Liam’s words, “I should be the one apologizing because I was the one who let you go. It was the most miserable mistake of my life. I said things I shouldn't have, I am really sorry. For hurting you, for letting you go, for not running after you to bring you back.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Zayn speaks into his neck, getting used to the feeling of Liam’s strong arms around him again, “I am glad you said all those things, I am glad you did let me go. I am so much better now Liam, I like myself so much more than I did before. I should be thanking you for kicking me out.”

Liam groans above him, and then he’s holding Zayn’s face in his hands. His dark eyes boring into Zayn’s grimly as he says, “No, you shouldn't be thanking me at all. I said mean things to you Zayn, half of them I didn't even mean. You’re not selfish and you’re not worthless, you are worth so much more than you know. You’re the only one who can make me feel things I didn't know I was capable of feeling. You know me so much more than I thought, and I love you so much more than I thought. So never say you deserved what I said, you didn't. I was mean to you, and I am very sorry.”

Shivers run down Zayn’s spine, as he holds Liam closer by his shirt, his heart filled with so much tenderness, he’s afraid it might burst with it, “I don’t want you to apologize Liam, I just want you to never let me go again. I won’t know where else to go, I only know how to come to you. ”

Wiping his tears with the pads of his thumbs, Liam smiles down at him. There’s no way Liam is letting him go again. It’s like God has given them a second chance, and who is Liam to say no to that. He just now realizes how much he has missed Zayn, how every hour texting with Zayn, he had the image of him at the back of his mind. How much he had longed for Zayn’s hand in his, Zayn’s lean figure nestled against him, fitting against him like key to a lock. 

Just now, he fully realizes how he could never have even imagined a life without Zayn, he couldn't even picture himself without Zayn so he kisses Zayn right on the lips, firmly and assertively, embracing him back. Even when he had never truly let him go.

He licks away into Zayn's mouth, tasting salt and familiarity. His tongue runs over teeth, tongue, flesh, the roof of Zayn's mouth as Zayn giggles into the kiss, unable to contain his happiness. Unable to accept his fortune. There is blood rushing in his veins, the feeling of exhilaration is spread all over his body as he cups Liam’s neck and relishes in every moment. 

It is not like their first time, their hearts don’t flutter as Zayn doesn't freeze. It’s completely different and a million times better; their hearts beat together, slowly picking up the rhythm they had forgotten. The shivers running through their bodies are more because of each other than the chilly wind that seems to have lost a battle against their warm faces. Their lips glued to each other’s like they had missed slotting together, like celebrating their impalpable reunion.

“I love you Zayn,” Liam whispers to him, still holding his face, his hot breath falling on Zayn’s lips, “I have loved you every single day you weren't with me. I wished that my secret admirer was you. I wanted it to be you.”

“What, really?” Zayn’s eyes go around, his eyebrows rising in delight. 

“Yes. I tried to tell myself countless times that there was no way it could be you, but some stubborn part of me always knew.”

“I did like how you never told my secret admirer self that you liked me,” Zayn says, “That would have made me sad. You flirting back with Robin.”

Liam chuckles, their noses bopping together, “I didn't want to. I wasn't over you. But I guess I did fall in love with your Robin self too, I think I am capable of falling in love with all versions of you.”

“I love you too Liam, I know I didn't say it enough when I should have. But I did love you before, and I do love you now.”

“I know Zayn,” Liam whispers, flicking Zayn’s hair out of his eyes, “You’re probably my ‘the one’ actually, you feel like you are anyway.”

“Okay,” Zayn chuckles lightly, “I don’t know what that’s supposed to actually mean, but I can assure you, you cannot find a better Robin than me, Mr. Batman.”

Liam has to laugh at that, dropping a light kiss on Zayn’s forehead as he says, “That was pretty lame of you know, the whole secret admirer thing.”

“Oh yeah, that is exactly why you used to keep messaging me until I replied,” Zayn pokes his tongue out at him, “And remember when you told me you were crying because Gwen died in Spiderm-”

“Oh shut up, you,” Liam murmurs, pressing his lips to Zayn’s again. And Zayn welcomes him in, because Liam is his again and there doesn't exist a more wonderful feeling than this.

—-

**good night ;)**

_good night_

**how are you?**

_fine._

**why are you sulking?**

_i am not sulking wth_

**ok. why are you being annoying?**

_shut up z come bak 2 bed_

**promise me we are getting a puppy tomorrow.**

_no_

**:(**

_ok ull hav 2 let me get a tattoo then_

**but it hurts liam!**

_and puppies poop everywhere_

**:(**

_im goin 2 sleep wthout u_

**puppy?**

_tattoo_

**wth ok but a small one.**

_v ll see about that_

**i hate you.**

_u can get a puppy_

**still hate you.**

_cming 2 bed or no_

**you have to guess where i am.**

_in the closet -_-_

**:* :***  


(and when zayn stumbles out of the closet, there are two muscular arms to catch him.) (and zayn knows they'll always be there to.) 

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: [ziamasf](ziamasf.tumblr.com)


End file.
